Change

A lot of the things I removed from the bucket list were cut for being too difficult to pin down. Actions such as forgiveness and acceptance for example. How would I really know if I had ticked them off? After all, I know how capricious I am. I might think I've forgiven someone, then three years down the line they'll say one little thing and I'll be furious with them all over again. So all those items had to go.

But the biggest cut was the line that read 'adopt a child'. At the time when I started writing this list, I was pretty young, and yet already aware that I didn't feel any great biological urge to pass on my genes. And so the logical conclusion at that time was that, when I decided to start a family, I would give a home to a kid who needed it rather than making one from scratch.

Fast forward eight years, and it has become clear that the conclusion may have been incorrect. It's not just that I don't feel the need to further my genetic line, I simply don't feel that I want children. Who knows, maybe that will change in the future. Maybe I'll meet someone special and want to raise 'our' child, or maybe some ticking time bomb of hormones will explode and I'll suddenly become desperately broody - I am approaching 30, so it's a dangerous age - but as time goes on it looks increasingly unlikely.

It's a surprisingly difficult thing to tell people. Despite the advances of feminism, it is still built into the make up of our society that the great aim of womanhood is to become a mother. People think you must be a real hard-nosed, unfeminine, kid-hating bitch if you don't want that for yourself. And I'm no kid-hater. I like most children (not all. I'm sorry, but some kids are arseholes, just like some grown-ups). I love my little nieces more than anything, but I also like giving them back to their parents. For one thing, I know I couldn't do anything even close to the amazing job my brother and sister-in-law do at raising sproglets, but mostly, I just like my life the way it is. And so the item had to go.

P.S. If it's 20 years from now and you are my kid reading this, please don't think you aren't wanted. Just think how much I must have wanted you to change my mind.