I have a missing parcel problem. It was supposed to arrive today, and it didn't, and I can't get the delivery company to acknowledge the existence of the tracking number I've been given. Or indeed, get the sender of the parcel to respond to me with a correction to what is clearly an incorrect tracking number.
None of this would be any great catastrophe if the parcel didn't contain a rapidly thawing weasel corpse.
I mentioned I'd taken up taxidermy, right? Actually, maybe I didn't
*flashback*
I'm carefully holding the tiny mouse flat. I've been instructed to cut a straight, shallow line down its belly, but the resulting incision looks like it was done with pinking shears. My first thought is "This isn't as gross as I expected". The second is "Oh crap. I'm really not good at this". Somehow I manage to peel the mouse without pulling off anything essential, but when it comes time to sew him back up, there is clearly a problem with the shape of his new, cotton wool body. His skin sags in some places like a sodden droopy nappy, and stretches tight in others like a fat man's waistcoat. I suddenly remember that the last time I stitched an animal was when I sewed my hair to a beanbag frog in home economics.
*flashforward*
The weasel is destined to join the gradually swelling ranks of my taxidermy army as my first chimera; a quail winged, seraphic mustelidae named Weaselangelo. Having named him already, I feel guilty that he is stranded somewhere, on a van or at a sorting office, missing out on his stoatly destiny. I'll feel even worse if I don't manage to recover him. The parcel office keeps packages for 18 days before disposing of them. Can you even begin to imagine the smell?
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