This week I will be attempting another of the ten challenges set by my friends. To go a week without wearing make up. Those who know me well will realise how difficult this is going to be for me. Since they voted for me to do it, it seems safe to assume that they thought it would also be good for me.
It hapens that over the last couple of weeks, my facebook timeline has been full of pictures of my female friends, barefaced for the no make-up selfie trend that is doing the rounds to raise breast cancer awareness. I have looked at every one, and thought how lovely that person looked, all natural and scrubbed, but the thought of doing it myself makes me feel queasy and dizzy.
It sounds like I'm a terribly shallow person, and I suppose I am to some extent, but I have hated my face since I was a teenager. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it. It's a normal, plain face with ordinary features, but there are days when it doesn't appear that way to me, when the thought of other people looking at me horrifies me, and I am terrified that they will laugh at or ridicule me. Unfortunately, my possession of an overactive 'mad-magnet' means that they not infrequently do.
I have caked myself in make-up since I was old enough for my mum to let me, but it wasn't until my early twenties that a therapist suggested I was showing symptoms of body dysmorphia. By that stage things had got pretty bad. I was covering mirrors, cancelling appointments and suffering from panic attacks. A combination of excellent CBT and talk therapy helped me more than I had anticipated, and I struggle a lot less than I used to. There are rare days when I even feel reasonably pretty, with my make-up on, but I still don't voluntary or comfortably allow many people to see me barefaced.
I realised that, when I was making plans to complete this task, I was looking through my diary for a week when I had nothing on. No dates with friends or trips out, and preferably a week I could take off work. Basically I was trying to cheat. To tick it off technically, without actually letting anyone see me au naturel. Well I reject that. I'm going to be bold. This week I am in work Monday to Friday, I have two birthday shindigs, two theatre trips, and a drinks date, and I will be doing it all sans slap. My heart is racing just thinking of it.
