2013 bucket update

So what have I ticked off the old bucket list this year?

Mudlarking on the Thames - I actually loved this, and have every intention of doing it again. While my friends gathered scraps of broken crockery for mosaic work, I accumulated a giant bag of old animal bones. These sat muddily on the side of the bath for several weeks before being washed and artistically arranged, in that time leading one friend to declare that my bathroom looked like a serial killer's.

Go to Glastonbury festival - not only did I go, I perfomed there as a storyteller. I'm now totally spoiled of course, from the powerful wrist tag access, crew showers and free food, and so can probably never go back as a punter.

Change somebody's life for the better - you know, when I wrote this list, I expected this to be some huge dramatic event. I would donate a kidney, or knock someone from the path of a speeding train. Instead, my gift, the action that caused one of my friends to declare that I had changed her life, was.....shall we say?......one of education. It turns out that it is quite possible to reach the age of 30 without ever realising that, with some exceptions, it is perfectly acceptable (nay, expected!) to flush a tampon after use. Fortunately I was at hand to provide this information, and said friend now thinks of me every time she does this, ensuring that she cannot forget me until menopause. Now that's longevity.

Well those were the year's accomplishments. I am actually going to edit the list a bit next year. There are things on there that I no longer wish to do, and I am also going to replace some of the vaguer ones with things that are solidly achievable. I will post an updated version when that's done. But for now, a happy new year to you all. I hope 2014 brings you everything you wish for. Unless you're wishing for the elimination of all kittens or something, in which case what the hell is wrong with you? Go sit in the corner you sicko. No 2014 for you.

Hey sexy!

Why are you saying that to me?
"It's a compliment".
No, it's not. Maybe if I were at a party, dressed up, with a drink in my hand, I might be able to understand your logic in thinking that, although I still wouldn't agree with you. Right now, at three in the morning, when I'm walking home alone, those words are not a compliment and you know it. Those words are you trying to assert power over me. Because you know full well that as soon as you speak to me you have my attention, even if I appear to be ignoring you. And you know that as soon as you bring 'sexy' into the equation, you force me to start making assessments. If I respond will he think I'm encouraging him? If I don't will he follow me? Can I fight him if I need to? Will anybody hear me if I scream?

If you don't know that's what you're doing, then you're a fool. But then you are a fool, aren't you? You're either deliberately trying to intimidate women, or you honestly believe that someday one of them will see you walking down the road, hear your bellowed "hey sexy", and think, yeah, that's the man I've been looking for. Let me hop right on that.

Dreams overheard

Little boy: I don't have to do what I'm told. I do what I want.
Dad: Nah, that's never gonna happen. Good dream though, kid. Good dream.

Out of the mouths of babes

Little boy on train: You have purple hair.
Me : I know. Do you like it?
Little boy: No.
Little girl: I do.
Me: Aw, thank you.
Little girl: You look like a my little pony.

Things that make me smile no.92

There's a crow who frequents the roof overlooked by my office window. He struts around like a tiny swaggering bravo in feathered bloomers, bending to peer under the rim of every duct and pipe in search of insect snacks. He never seems to find any.

Norovirus update - day 2 (you may think you don't care, but you're wrong)

Last night I set up a nest of duvets in the bath but, by the early hours of the morning, was too weak and exhausted to climb into the bath, so spent another night curled up on the floor. At one point I did manage to drift off to sleep, only for the cat to viciously attack my right foot. Said foot is now covered in little stinging puncture wounds. I hope she catches norovirus. Actually no, I don't, I'd only have to clean up after her.

A couple of hours ago I managed to keep down (for almost 15 minutes!) several sips of gatorade and a nibble of ryvita and, with the resulting energy, ran a cable into the bathroom so I could use my laptop in my nest, and bled the radiator so I don't freeze to death in here. It would have been very butch if I hadn't had to crawl.

Norovirus update (because I know you're all fascinated)

Today I have consumed half a glass of gatorade and two whole sips of miso soup (mistake). I have at no point spent more than 30 consecutive minutes out of the bathroom, and have strained something that feels fairly important in the rib region, through my body's attempts to orally expel its entire digestive system. There are no signs of this letting up.

Happy 2013

A little late, I know. Most of you will be aware that I'm neglecting you now, not because of another fit of the depression that hit me earlier this year, but because I am working on a novel. This basically means that any time or inclination I have to write is being channelled in that direction. Today, however, I have been struck down by the dreaded norovirus, and am therefore at home on my own; pain-ridden and (let's face it) pretty damn disgusting. I don't have either the brain power or the time between bouts of vomiting to get into the book writing, but seem to be managing to blog in the short spells available to me. You'll have to forgive me any lapses in spelling or style. I'm not really with it, but I thought I should at least do my yearly round-up of achievements from my bucket list before it gets so late in the year as to be pointless.

So here goes!

26. Smash a plate on purpose
I'd envisioned this as a Greek taverna event, or even just a cheeky lob for the fun of it. In actuality it was done in a fit of temper, and I didn't even realise until I scanned the list a few minutes ago that I had inadvertently ticked something off. Let's gloss over the details. It wasn't my finest moment.

46. Give a dinner party
My flatmate and I planned a Christmas dinner a few weeks before the event, for a couple of handfuls of friends. Unfortunately, she missed her flight home, was delayed by several hours and I ended up cleaning the flat and cooking Xmas dinner with all the trimmings for nine people, entirely solo. Were I less inept, this might not have been a problem, but I somehow managed to mildly electrocute myself and start a small tea-towel-based fire during the process. The food was a triumph though, and I got to delegate the washing up to D under the category of penance, so every cloud......

53. Have afternoon tea at the Ritz
Not the Ritz, in fact, but at Brown's Hotel, which is generally considered to be better. My mother took me out as my birthday treat, and it was perfectly relaxed and lovely.

Three down. That's not too bad. I am running out of 'easy' ones, but hopefully it'll still be a few years before I have to start putting in a concerted effort.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and expel the sip of gatorade I just managed to drink. Ta ta for now.